Pain Demands To Be Felt
by Nan119
Summary: A little angst - Snow's thoughts after hearing her daughter's angry words.


Just a angst filled piece on Snow's thoughts after she told Emma "I'm your mother", and Emma responded, "I don't care".

Pain demands to be felt.

Snow knew that was true. How many times had she tried but to no avail to not feel anything. When her mother died was the first one she could remember. If she didn't give in and didn't hurt and didn't cry it would not be real. That's what she convinced herself anyway. For days she convinced herself. She was a Princess - needed to be strong for her father, for the servants, the subjects. But she wasn't strong so instead she became numb. Shut down her feelings. Just stopped feeling because not feeling anything was a better alternative. But on the fifth day her body and mind betrayed her. It started with the dress. The dress she was to wear for the Ball celebrating her 10th birthday. The dress she had on when her mother died. She thought it was gone. She thought the servants had taken it and gotten rid of it. No. They had laundered it. Then put it back in her closet. That morning it was the first thing she saw when she opened the closet door. A reminder. A stark, colorful reminder of death. She had felt no pain like if ever before. A crushing, whirling pain encompassing her entire being. She gave in to it, because pain demands to be felt.

The second time she felt horrid pain like that was when her father died. The third time when she realized her step mother planned to have her killed. The fourth time was when she had to tell Charming she did not love him. Of course she felt it just before she bit into the apple Regina offered her. That may have been the worst up to then. Her pain was double - pain for Regina and the step mother she had loved, and pain knowing she would never see her beloved Charming again. Yes, pain demanded to be felt. And she did until she fell on the ground.

For a little while she had not had to give into pain's demand. For a little while she was happy. She was taking back what was rightfully hers with her dear Charming at her side. But life was not to that simple or that kind to her. The fifth time was when she looked at the water flask and realized what King George had done. Yes, she had felt pain. The pain of losing something she had not yet had. It demanded it. Then the pain watching her Charming in pain for the loss of a mother she knew all too well. After the tide turned in the war, an unexpected pain came next. Unexpected because she did not realize she still loved her step mother. That soul ripping pain broke her. Charming knew. He tried to help but pain demands to be felt.

Another reprieve on her wedding day. Short lived of course because with the worry to come from the threats also came pain. Pain of not knowing and fear and despair. Then the night when her sobs racked her body. One moment of knowing there was a chance broke through the pain momentarily. Because pain demanded to be felt. It felt within her whole being.

Since then many moments when she would have preferred to be numb. Watching her daughter sink into oblivion in the portal and Cora almost winning. Her grandson taken. Her husband almost dying and needing to stay on that Island. Those moments could not be helped either when pain demanded to be felt. But the worst one occurred when she had to once again kiss her baby's head and say goodbye. She pretended to be numb. She pretended for Emma's sake. She needed to be strong for Emma. But inside the pain demanded to be felt and she came apart inside and lost a piece of herself that time. After they were reunited but Emma planned to leave, that pain was cutting. She could barely breathe with that pain that demanded to be felt.

Another respite came though and the explosion of happiness when she heard 'mom'. The most amazing word ever. Yes the pain demanded to be felt but she had these moments too. That was what allowed her to live thru the pain that demanded to be felt.

But this. This was the worst. Those words cut her soul. Like a sword slicing through her over and over. This pain was not going to end. This pain owned her. When her daughter said "I don't care." This pain was going to kill her. Her soul was dying. There was no returning from this pain. Pain demanded to be felt.


End file.
